Captain’s log, stardate 120920.6:
Alright, let’s get these Wikileaks downloads to the base! That’ll show those dirty Rebs!
I assign Clover to the all-important shields and send Ian to the weapons bay to keep our rate of fire up. Enough technical jargon, let’s get to the space adventure!
Set a course for the first FTL beacon. Engage! This is so fun, you guys!
The Icarus flew too close to the sun on our first FTL jump. Isn’t that joke a little obvious, game? Isn’t it a little early for that sort of hubris-based death by irony? Whatever, let’s put these wax wings away and arm our weapons. It doesn’t count as space murder if a star burns up the corpses. No body no crime.
Target their shields, and maybe this corona can do the rest of the work for us.
Suddenly these pilots seem to regret their choice of ambush location. I can’t imagine why!
Maybe that “Solar Flare” warning has something to do with it. I guess we’ll find out imminently.
Well, we won the first fight and now we’re attempting to stop-drop-and-roll these flames out by venting the interior of my ship into space. I feel like this is going really well, folks. Let’s see if the next FTL beacon is somewhere a bit safer.
Of course there’s an enemy too.
At least the Rebels had the common courtesy to make this ship entirely too weak to operate in an asteroid field. I’m sure we can all appreciate that.
The Icarus manages to explore a few more beacons without too many death threats, but then we respond to a distress beacon.
Space spiders? Are you kidding me? These poor souls are on their own. I am not turning my chest cavity into some xenomorph incubator.
Goddamn right. I’d do it again in a heartbeat.
Aw, space fights though? We got this. YOLO
They’re actually a pretty decent challenge, so we have to fight in the dark while Clover gets our sensors back up. I need to be able to see exactly how much of my ship is on fire at any given time.
The outcome is inevitable, though: Another pile of dead pirates. Let’s see what sort of gratitude that beleaguered ship will offer us.
Wait. We saved his life, and we get the privilege of paying him money? Where’s the button for “Attack Defenseless Merchant And Take Everything He Owns, Leaving Him In The Cold Embrace of Deep Space?”
Unable to bind that to a key, we move on to the next sector, which is controlled by the hostile Rock people.
These guys sound like a blast.
Ambushed almost right away. Yeah, these guys like to party.
We’ll start off with the usual welcome for boarders by eliminating all of their oxygen. That’s usually a pretty good start.
They’ve breached the door and seem to be in an awful hurry to meet Clover. I think we might need to rethink this. Senior staff, please meet me in the med bay, when you get a minute.
…to beat down some oxygen starved Rock Lords! Remember kids, always fight where you can receive constant medical attention.
After recovering and making repairs, we continue through the Rock sector, seeking out new loot and unwary victims.
They might have cool stuff. Might as well check it out.
A new weapon? They do have cool stuff!
Good crew with good instincts. They know that given a choice between grabbing loot and rescuing a survivor, you always pick the loot.
Coincidentally, I enjoy smashing hulls. Welcome to the crew, very large new gun.
When given the choice between honesty and manipulating people for my own advancement- well, you can already see what I’m picking here.
It seems I underestimated them! I guess I’ll just have to kill them and take whatever isn’t vaporized. You know, for a change of pace.
This is one of those rare instances where I’ll let them go and accept their bribe for their lives. I figure that way we’re squaresies for that little fib I told earlier, right?
Reaching the end of the Rock sector, we are given a choice of either an Uncharted Nebula or an Uncharted Nebula. I take the greater risk and pick the Uncharted Nebula. Such are the pressures of command.
Boarded by pirates in this impenetrable nebula! I don’t even have an enemy ship to take my frustration out on! At times like this, there’s only one thing to do.
Yeah, it’s not evening surprising anymore. Huddle in the med bay and open the rest of the ship to the life-crushing vacuum of space. It’s so much easier when no one is shooting at me from the outside!
Finally, the waves of suffocating boarders force their way in, and a brutal but honestly one-sided melee ensues.
All the pirates lie dead. As air gradually refills our battleground of a ship, we catch our breath and heal our wounds. The sexual tension is palpable.
That’s normal, right?
We make repairs and head out.
“Dangers of the nebula?” That sounds like a threat. Let’s mess this guy up!
Wait, is that a drone bay at the front of his ship? I wonder what kind of drones he has.
Oh well, it probably doesn’t matter because I am totally wrecking this guy.
Huh, apparently the drone was a breaching drone that cut through my hull and disabled my medbay in the dark. I know, action happening in a dark room is great LP material!
Anyway, I order my entire crew to their death trying to repair the hull breach.
Even though I could have just as easily flown away! Space is a cruel mistress indeed.
Join me next time, when I’ll take a crew full of robots on a fantastic voyage to kill all humans!